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Curriculum Vitae

In the 1990's, comedian Hugh Gallagher's satirical "College Essay" was popular on the Internet. I once wondered, after his four years in college, what that the young man's first job application would look like...



In a volunteer capacity, I officiate at New Guinea tower dives, the Eleusian Mysteries, and a weekly, charity-run crap game. I have no hagiography, and wear only indigenously-produced haberdashery. My hearing is impeccable, as I was born with an extra lobe in my cochlea. A species of riparian nematode has been named in my honor.

I dilate upon the ineffable. Of a morning, I've been known to consume an entire rasher of bacon and a brace of fowl. For postprandial exercise, I walk my leash of small theropods, whom I've owned since their callow youth. Hyrax gather at my call.

No man has ever bedaubed me, nor will. The word "curmudgeon" is not inapplicable, as I'm known to be a dangerous man with a gerund. Loquaciousness is part and parcel of my hypnotic charms. I have been known to hover in mid-air for up to five minutes at a time.

I can see into the ultraviolet and comprehend the language of bees. The word "calico" makes me sneeze. I count many members of the family Corvidae as intimate acquaintances. I have participated in the liquefaction of air, the fixation of volatile salts, and the transmutation of elements. My penchant for levity is well-known amongst the nomadic camel herders of the Rub al-Khali.

I carry on a lively correspondence with members of the body politic. I am a noted cultivator of root vegetables, and have a well-founded repugnance for corn. I have never had to pay for pie and coffee at roadside diners. I have translated Tacitus, Marcel Proust, and three Buddhist sutras in a single day. I can hold my breath for hours.

The Holocene era was a time of great personal growth for me. In odd moments, I declaim hortatory orations in Xhosa. I travel with a coterie of lictors bearing fasces. I have been ennobled in Helsinki, excommunicated in San Paolo, and defenestrated in Prague. I delight in chanting the word "dromedary."

My promising circus career was cut short by an unfortunate bout of lycanthropy. I won a Van Cliburn award as a budding theremin prodigy. Using nothing but used chewing gum and an olive fork, I prevented the shutdown of a large municipal power grid. I have shepherded dachshunds, Japanese tour groups, and the Metropolitan of Constantinople. I have ascertained the exact reason for pizza burning your mouth when you bite it, and have communicated this intelligence to all major world governments.

I believe my skills satisfy the requirements of your job vacancy.

 


(c) 2009 Andrew Gudgel