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...the President reiterated that her statement concerning "the undue influence of alien overlords in the government" was taken entirely out of context. "Alien-Overlord-Americans are patriotic citizens just like you and me," President Gerity said at the press conference. "Heat rays and ultimatums are simply part of their political culture...."

..."Where's my non-flying car?" demanded a protestor at the hearing. "We were supposed to have non-flying cars by now." Senate security guards quickly flash-froze the irate octopod and hustled him out of chambers. Committee chairwoman Dorothea Saito-Rothmann used the opportunity to call for increased subsidies for non-flying-car research....

...the Secretary General welcomed the addition of the O'aha Hive as the newest member of the United Planets. The ceremony was marred, however, when the O'aha queen devoured the UP Special Ambassador, then offered a member of her own delegation for consumption. "Obviously, we didn't do our homework on the finer points of O'aha treaty customs before setting up the event. Our fault entirely," a UP spokesperson was quoted as saying....

...the two teens were charged with setting off the high school's anti-terror security system during class change. "How could we know Billy [Johnson] hadn't backed up his brain all year?" Wilkens said. Johnson's parents expressed their anger at the prank gone wrong. "It's not the vaporization. A new body for Billy is no big deal, but they've set my child back an entire grade. He'll never get into college now...."

...Synthespian Actors' Guild representative Dramatic Male Lead V3.6 told reporters, "We'll be working up and down their [the studios'] datapipes. A virtual picket line in every street scene of every movie will help our member programs get the residuals they're entitled to." Negotiations are ongoing....

...Bottom line: don't waste your time at Ray's Überdiner. While the pan-fried giant squid was excellent, the same couldn't be said for the roast mammoth in silphium sauce. Chef Ray apparently hasn't worked out all the kinks of his new protein sequencer. Also, the wait-staff had interspecies etiquette issues. Several times they dribbled digestive ichor onto the tablecloth and/or our laps....

...today will be cold, overcast, with a slight chance of methane drizzle, highs around minus 200 centigrade. On Io, Tuesday will see an upswing in volcanic activity, partly cloudy with an ionized sulfur haze. Travelers in and around the Eagle Nebula should exercise caution, as superstrings are predicted to form later this week....

...Taurus: Today is your lucky day, so put on your best ammonia rebreather and take the world by the pseudopods. Friends bring good news. Virgo: Cannibalism may be your best bet when it comes to dealing with relatives who drop in unexpectedly....

...today's winning numbers are: 01 64 23 99 and the lucky ball is 19. Congratulations to all Genome Match 5 winners, who can pick up their breeding permits at any authorized lottery retailer....